Reading books from the Future
by Einstein's Theory
Summary: After reading her Uncle Gordon's will with her family and the strange Mr .Pleasant, a book appears in a flash of white. Along with a few new friends, Stephanie is in for a lot of surprises as they all read The Skulduggery Pleasant series.
1. Chapter 1

The Edgley family sat dumb-founded. Skulduggery Pleasant chuckled as Beryl started whimpering. Stephanie was frozen in shock. Her! She got the house. The thought was absurd…

Suddenly there was a flash of light and on the rectangular coffee table was a book with a note. All the Edgley's but Stephanie backed away. Dis-regarding Mr .Pleasant's cautioning hand, she stood up and in two strides picked up the book.

On the cover there was a man in a suit…Actually, he was a skeleton in a suit, holding a flame. What shocked her most was the title. Skulduggery Pleasant. In fact, looking up at Mr .Pleasant, she saw that he was even wearing the same suit and hat.

"It's called Skulduggery Pleasant." Stephanie said, looking curiously at Mr .Pleasant and all heads turned the face Mr .Pleasant, whose head was tilted to the side. He held his gloved out for the book.

After looking at the book back and front, he opened the book and a note fluttered out. He picked it up and began to read it aloud.

_To the Edgley family and Mr .Pleasant,_

_I offer these books as a chance to change the future for the better. Another book will be sent after this one is completed. I will send a few people to join you as you progress through the books, so I would advise that you open the door and let him in._

_Your friend,_

_Valkyrie Cain._

Stephanie's father got up from his seat and warily approached the door, Mr .Pleasant following close behind. Her father opened the door and took a large step back, stumbling into Mr .Pleasant. A man covered in scars stepped inside, a note held in his hand.

"Ghastly!"


	2. Chapter 2

"_Ghastly!"_

"It's good to see you too, Skulduggery." The man said and

Beryl leaned over and whispered loudly to Fergus, "He's hideous!" and Fergus nodded.

"Weirdo's, the lot of them."

The man turned to face them. Stephanie couldn't believe that Beryl and Fergus were saying this in front and about a stranger… Actually, she could. He gave Beryl and Fergus a sad smile and turned back to Mr .Pleasant.

"I got this note from a Valkyrie Cain, saying I had to come here to-" He began.

"Read a book?" Mr .Pleasant interrupted, "Excellent! Let's start!"

The man sat down next to Stephanie and introduced himself, "I'm Ghastly Bespoke. It's a pleasure to meet you…?"

"Stephanie Edgley. It's nice to meet you too." Stephanie said, "The two over there are Beryl and Fergus, next to them are my parents, Desmond and Melissa and I think you know Mr .Pleasant."

"Will you be quiet so we can start?" Beryl glowered at her and Ghastly.

Stephanie's father picked the book up and cleared his throat.

**Stephanie.**

"Yes?" she asked.

"No, it's the title of the chapter." Her father said.

"Oh…right…"

**Gordon Edgley's sudden death came as a shock to everyone – not least himself.**

Stephanie found this morbidly amusing and her lips twitched.

**One moment he was in his study, seven words into the twenty-fifth sentence of the final chapter of his new book **_**And The Darkness Rained Upon Them, **_**and the next he was dead. **_**A tragic loss,**_** his mind echoed as he slipped away.**

"A tragic loss, indeed." Beryl sneered.

"I absolutely agree." Stephanie said, completely sincere.

**The funeral was attended by family and acquaintances but not many friends.**

"I would call myself his friend." Mr .Pleasant said.

"Gordon always did hang out with weirdo's…" Fergus said, eyeing Mr .Pleasant's overcoat, sunglasses, scarf and hat with distaste.

**Gordon hadn't been a well-liked figure in the publishing world, for although the books he wrote – tales of horror and magic and wonder -**

Ghastly raised an eyebrow.

– **regularly reared their heads in the bestseller lists, he had the disquieting habit of insulting people without realising it, then laughing at their shock**

Stephanie thought back to the reading of the will and couldn't help but smile at her Uncle's humour.

**It was at Gordon's funeral, however, that Stephanie Edgley first caught sight of the gentleman in the tan overcoat.**

Mr .Pleasant tilted his head to the right.

**He was standing under the shade of a large tree, away from the crowd, the coat buttoned up all the way despite the warmth of the afternoon.**

Stephanie noticed that he was still wearing the overcoat, and a small crease appeared between her eyebrows.

**A scarf was wrapped around the lower half of his face and even from her position on the far side of the grave, Stephanie could make out the wild and frizzy hair that escaped from the wide brimmed hat he wore low over his gigantic sunglasses.**

She looked at his hair; it seemed odd, unnatural even.

**She watched him, intrigued by his appearance.**

Mr .Pleasant straightened and held his head at a smug angle, "That would be my amazing good-looks and charm at work."

Ghastly snickered at the exact moment that Beryl gave an un-lady-like snort. Stephanie's father looked up and at Mr .Pleasant, confused.

"What good-looks?"

**And then, like he knew he was being observed, he turned and walked back through the rows of headstones, and disappeared from sight.**

"That's ominous…" Stephanie's mother said.

**After the service, Stephanie and her parents travelled back to her dead uncle's house, over a humpbacked bridge and along a narrow road that carved its way through thick woodland. The gates were heavy and grand and stood open, welcoming them into the estate. The grounds were vast and the old house itself was ridiculously big. **

"That is exactly why a little girl like you shouldn't get the house." Fergus said, attempting and failing to look superior as Beryl nodded vigorously.

"You have a house!?" Ghastly said, looking faintly surprised. Stephanie mumbled something about the house not being important and not to call her a little girl.

"Let her be. Gordon gave her the house, so stop with the bickering and let's keep reading." said Stephanie's mother.

**There was an extra door in the living room, a door disguised as a book case, and when she was younger, Stephanie liked to think that no one else knew about this door, not even Gordon himself. **

"Everybody knows about that door." Beryl smiled condescendingly to Stephanie.

"I didn't…" Ghastly said, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, you do now." Beryl said with narrowed eyes. Mr .Pleasant chuckled and Stephanie sent a grateful smile to Ghastly.

**It was a secret passageway, like in the stories she'd read, and she'd make up adventures about haunted houses and smuggled treasure. This secret passageway would always be her escape route, and the imaginary villains in these adventures would be dumbfounded by her sudden and mysterious disappearance.**

Beryl snorted.

"I'm sure your disappearing act certainly bamboozled them." Mr .Pleasant said.

**But now this door, this secret passageway, stood open, and there was a steady stream of people through it, and she was saddened that this little piece of magic had been taken from her. **

"No such thing." Fergus said sharply.

"What?" Stephanie said, having not heard him.

"Magic, No such thing." He repeated.

"Just an expression." She mumbled

**Tea was served and drinks were poured and little sandwiches were passed around on silver trays, and Stephanie watched the mourners casually appraise their surroundings. The major topic of hushed conversation was the will.**

Beryl and Fergus scowled. Mr .Pleasant and Ghastly laughed as Beryl commenced to emit a high-pitched whine and Stephanie and her father concealed their wide grins.

**Gordon wasn't a man who inspired, or even demonstrated, any great affection, so no one could predict would inherit his substantial fortune. **

"Obviously, not his brother." Fergus sniffed.

**Stephanie could see the greed seep into the watery eyes of her father's other brother, a horrible little man called Fergus, as he nodded sadly and spoke sombrely and pocketed the silverware when no one was looking. **

"You lie!" Fergus shouted.

"My Fergus is the loveliest man in Ireland" Beryl proudly stated.

"Stephanie," Her father admonished. "Just because we don't like them doesn't mean we can sat nasty things to them."

She gaped at him. Was he serious? She didn't even say that to Fergus, _they_ read _her_ thoughts! She would have sworn, that if she could she Mr .Pleasant's face, he would've been smiling. At least he was amused.

**Fergus's wife was a thoroughly dislikeable, sharp-featured woman named Beryl. She drifted through the crowd, deep in unconvincing grief, prying for gossip and digging for scandal.**

Beryl huffed as Fergus put his arm around her.

"Stephanie…" Her father began.

"I know!" She exclaimed, exasperated. Mr .Pleasant disguised his laugh as an awkward cough.

**Her daughters did their best to ignore Stephanie. Carol and Crystal were twins, fifteen years old, and as sour and vindictive as their parents. Whereas Stephanie was dark-haired, tall, slim and strong, they were bottle-blond, stumpy and dressed in clothes that made them bulge in all the wrong places.**

"Nothing's wrong with my beautiful daughters. The same, sadly, cannot be said about you…" Beryl simpered.

Stephanie's mother looked ready to pounce.

**Apart from their brown eyes, no one would guess that the twins were related to her. She liked that. It was the only thing about them she liked. She left them to their petty glares and snide whispers, and went for a walk.**

Stephanie gave an apologetic smile towards her father, who had just opened his mouth to reprimand her.

**The corridors of her uncle's house were long and lined with paintings. The floor beneath Stephanie's feet was wooden, polished to a gleam, and the house smelled of age. Not musty exactly but… experienced. **

She nodded along with her parents, but suddenly stopped as she realised that she was just agreeing with herself. Though she was – is – right…

**These walls and these floors had seen a lot in their time, and Stephanie was nothing but a faint whisper to them. Here one instant, gone the next. Gordon had been a good uncle.**

Stephanie gave a wistful smile as everyone (Bar Fergus, Beryl and Ghastly) nodded.

**Arrogant and irresponsible, yes, but also childish and enormous fun, with a light in his eyes, a glint of mischief. When everyone else was taking him seriously, Stephanie was privy to the winks and the nods and the half-smiles that he would shoot her way when they weren't looking.**

_I'm really going to miss that…_ She thought.

**Even as a child she felt she understood him better than most. **

Beryl snorted as Fergus gave her a disbelieving look.

**She liked his intelligence and his wit, and the way he didn't care what people thought of him. He'd been a good uncle to have. He'd taught her a lot.**

"What did he teach you?" Stephanie's mother asked. "I hope it wasn't anything to do with his stories. They'd give anyone nightmares."

**She knew that her mother and Gordon had briefly dated ("courted" her mother had called it), but when Gordon had introduced her to his younger brother, it was love at first sight.**

Her mother put her hand over her father's.

**Gordon liked to grumble that he had never got more than a peck on the cheek, but he had stepped aside graciously, and had quite happily gone on to have numerous beautiful women. He used to say that it had almost been a fair trade, but that he suspected that he had lost out. **

"Most definitely." Her father said confidently, gazing at her mother.

**Stephanie climbed the staircase, pushed open the door to Gordon's study and stepped inside. The walls were filled with the framed covers from his bestsellers and shared space with all manner of awards. One entire wall was made up of shelves, jammed with books. There were biographies and historical novels and science texts and psychology tomes, and there were battered little paperbacks stuck in between. A lower shelf had magazines, literary reviews and quarterlies. Stephanie passed the shelves which housed the first editions of Gordon's novels and approached the desk.**

"Ah…Gordon's Pride and joys." Mr .Pleasant said and she could hear the smile in his voice.

**She looked at the chair where he died, trying to imagine him there, how he must have slumped. **

"Stop being so morbid!" Beryl whined.

**And then, a voice so smooth it could have been made of velvet. **

Ghastly put his head in his hands and groaned. "You're only increasing his ego!"

She looked at Mr .Pleasant and he was simply radiating smugness.

"**At least he died doing what he loved." **

**She turned, surprised, to see the man from the funeral in the overcoat and hat standing in the doorway. The scarf was still wrapped, the sunglasses still on, the fuzzy hair still poking out. His hands were gloved. **

Her parents gave sad smiles.

"**Yes," Stephanie said, because she couldn't think of anything else to say. "At least there's that."**

"**You're one of his nieces then?" the man asked. "You're not stealing anything, you're not breaking anything, so I'd guess you're Stephanie." **

Stephanie's father snickered and her mother hit him on the head.

**She nodded and took the opportunity to look at him more closely. She couldn't see even the tiniest bit of his face beneath the scarf and sunglasses.**

"That's the point…" Mr .Pleasant said smoothly.

"**Were you a friend of his?" she asked. He was tall, this man, tall and thin, though his coat made it difficult to judge.**

"Weren't you ever told that it's rude to stare?" Beryl asked sharply.

"Not that I remember…" She replied.

"**I was," he answered with a move of his head. This slight movement made her realise that the rest of his body was unnaturally still. **

Ghastly looked at her, as if he were sizing her up. Trying to figure her out. She looked at Mr .Pleasant, and though his head was tilted in her direction, she couldn't tell if he was looking at her or not, because of his sunglasses.

"**I've known him for years, met him outside a bar in New York when I was over there, back when he had just published his first novel." **

"The Spider's Torment…" She said.

**Stephanie couldn't see anything behind the sunglasses – they were as black as pitch. "Are you a writer too?"**

"**Me? No, I wouldn't know where to start. But I got to live out my writer fantasies through Gordon."**

"Excuse me, writer fantasies?" Her father looked very confused. Mr .Pleasant nodded and Ghastly shook his head, fondly.

"**You had writer fantasies?" **

"**Doesn't everyone?"**

"No." Beryl sneered.

"**I don't know. I don't think so." "Oh. Then that would make me seem kind of odd, wouldn't it?" **

"Very." Fergus said, whilst nodding his head like a chicken.

"**Well," Stephanie answered. "It would **_**help.**_**" **

"**Gordon used to talk about you all the time, boast about his little niece. **

"_My _daughter. _Mine." _Her father stated proudly.

"Yes, dear. Now will you read?" Her mother asked.

**He was an individual of character, your uncle. It seems that you are too."**

"**You say that like you know me." **

"**Strong-willed, intelligent, sharp-tongued, doesn't suffer fool gladly… remind you of anyone?"**

Everyone but Mr .Pleasant, Ghastly and Stephanie said "Gordon."

"**Yes. Gordon."**

"**Interesting," said the man. "Because those are the exact words he used to describe you."**

She smiled, proud to be like her uncle…even if he was a _bit_ odd.

**His gloved fingers dipped into his waistcoat and brought out an ornate pocket watch on a delicate gold chain. **

Fergus eye Mr .Pleasant's waistcoat, greed in his eyes.

"**Good luck in whatever you decide to do with your life." **

"**Thank you," Stephanie said, a little dumbly. "You too." She felt the man smile, though she could see no mouth,**

"You can't feel a smile, so don't be stupid." Beryl snapped.

"I beg to differ, as in the book, it clearly said that she felt me smile. So, That proves that you can feel a smile."

**and he turned from the doorway and left her there. Stephanie found she couldn't take her eyes off where he had been.**

"I do leave quite an impression." Mr .Pleasant said, sitting up straighter.

**Who was he? She hadn't even got his name. **

"I'm sorry. I am Skulduggery Pleasant, pleased to meet you." He said holding it out for Stephanie to shake.

"It's nice to meet you too, Mr .Pleasant." She shook his hand; it felt bony beneath his glove.

"Call me Skulduggery." He said, leaning back.

"Uh…Ok, Mr .Pl- Skulduggery"

**She crossed over to the door and stepped out, wondering how he had vanished from sight so quickly. **

"Magic" Skulduggery intoned, waving his hands in a mystical manner.

**She hurried down the stairs and reached the large hall without seeing him. She opened the front door just as a big black car turned out on to the road. She watched him drive away, stayed there for a few moments, then reluctantly re-joined her extended family in the living room, just in time to see Fergus slip a silver ashtray into his breast pocket.**

"LIES!" Fergus bellowed.

"Right… Who's going to read next?" Stephanie's Father asked.

**Hey,**

**I'm new at this whole thing, so please let me know if you think I should write more (or less) dialogue and even give a few suggestions for who you think should come in next (From the future or past)**

**Thanks, Keep reading (And maybe reviewing?),**

**Einstein's Theory**


	3. Chapter 3

_"Right... Who's going to read next?" Stephanie's father asked._

_._

"I will," said Ghastly, leaning forward with his hand out-stretched.

He cleared his throat.

**The Will**

Beryl and Fergus glared at Stephanie.

**Life in the Edgley household was fairly uneventful. **

"Dear, life with your father is far from _uneventful_," Stephanie's mother protested. "To be honest, it's actually quite entertaining."

"Thank you," her father smiled.

"Like last Christmas; when he stayed under the tree, waiting for Santa, then ate the cookies, milk _and_ the carrot?"* Stephanie asked. Ghastly concealed a smile and Skulduggery gave a small chuckle as Beryl and Fergus frowned at the immaturity of their companions.

"Exactly," her mother nodded. "Definitely not uneventful."

**Stephanie's mother worked in a bank and her father owned a construction company, and she had no brothers or sisters, so the routine they had settled into was one of amiable convenience. But even so, there was always a voice in the back of her mind telling her that there should be more to her life than **_**this**_**, more to her life than the small coastal town of Haggard. She just couldn't figure out what that something was.**

Stephanie noticed Ghastly's quick glance towards Skulduggery and shake of his head. They seemed to be having a private conversation and whatever it was about left Ghastly scowling at the floor.

**Her first year of secondary school had just come to a close and she was looking forward to summer break. Stephanie didn't like school.**

"What's wrong at school?" her mother frowned, worried.

"If we just read the book, you'd know," Beryl snapped. "Why do you all feel compelled to interrupt every single sentence!"

Stephanie held in a laugh when she saw Beryl's expression. She was red-faced and a vein was throbbing near her right temple. Reliving the reading of the will was probably not doing any favours for her patience…and sanity.

**She found it difficult to get along with her classmates – not because they weren't nice people, but simply because she had nothing in common with them.**

"But, what about that Chloe Ryan down the road?" Stephanie's mother asked and Stephanie shrugged in response.

**And she didn't like teachers. She didn't like the way they demanded respect they hadn't earned. Stephanie had no problem doing what she told, just so long as she was given a good reason why she should.**

Suddenly, there was frantic knocking at the front door.

"_Who now?!" _Beryl all but yelled.

Fergus rose, went to the door and greeted the newcomer, "What the hell do you want?"

"Is this Gordon Edgley's mansion?" The voice sounded female.

Fergus's eye twitched, "Not anymore." And he began to close the door. She pushed the door open again and strode into the living room. She was blond-haired, tall and strong.

"I got a note from some Valkyrie Cain saying I had to read some books…Anyone know what that's about?"

Ghastly held up the book, "It's called Skulduggery Pleasant, but it's from her point of view" he gestured to Stephanie.

"Oh good, I thought I got the wrong mansion. I'm Tanith Low." She introduced herself while pulling up a cushioned armchair and sitting between Ghastly and Skulduggery. Ghastly began to fill her in on what she had missed.

"Another weirdo," Beryl sighed. It was obvious that she was uncomfortable with the amount of so-called _weirdo's_ in the room, but she wasn't the only one. As Stephanie looked around she saw frowns on her parents faces. She didn't understand, sure they were a little odd but she didn't know what the big deal was.

**She spent the first few days of summer helping out her father, answering phones and sorting through the files in his office. Gladys, his secretary of seven years, had decided she'd had enough of the construction business and wanted to try her hand as a performance artist. Stephanie found it vaguely discomforting whenever she passed her on the street, this forty-three-year-old woman doing modern dance interpretation of Faust.**

Tanith raised an eyebrow while Beryl snorted in disgust.

**Gladys had made herself a costume to go with the act, a costume, she said, that symbolised the internal struggle that Faust was going through, and apparently she refused to be seen in public without it. Stephanie did her best to avoid catching Gladys's eye. **

"Might I ask, What is the costume?" Skulduggery asked, leaning back in his chair, amusement in his voice.

"_A peanut…" _Stephanie muttered. There was a moment of silence as the visitors turned to stare at her in disbelief, then they broke out in laughter in which Stephanie and her parents joined.

Beryl and Fergus refused to interact with the _weirdo's._

**If Stephanie wasn't helping out in the office, she was either down at the beach, swimming, or locked in her room listening to music. She was in her room, trying to find the charger for her mobile phone, when her mother knocked on the door and stepped in. She was still dressed in the sombre clothes she had worn to the funeral, though Stephanie had tied back her long dark hair and changed into her usual jeans and trainers within two minutes of returning to the house.**

"**We got a call from Gordon's solicitor," her mother said, sounding a little surprised. "They want us at the reading of the will."**

Beryl frowned.

"**Oh," Stephanie responded. "What do you think he left you?"**

"**Well, we'll find out tomorrow. You too, because you're coming with us."**

"**I am?" Stephanie said with a slight frown.**

"**Your name's on the list, that's all I know. We're leaving at ten, OK?"**

"Ooh, what'd you get?" Tanith asked.

Beryl was making hissing noises

"Umm, you'll see."

"**I'm supposed to be helping Dad in the morning." **

"**He called Gladys, asked her to fill in for a few hours, as a favour. She said yes, as long as she could wear the peanut suit."**

Ghastly grinned and Tanith snickered.

**They left for the solicitor's at a quarter past ten the next morning, fifteen minutes later than planned thanks to Stephanie's father's casual disregard for punctuality. He ambled through the house, looking like there was something he'd forgotten and he was just waiting for it to occur to him again. He nodded and smiled whenever his wife told him hurry up, said "Yes, absolutely," and just before he was due to join them in the car, he meandered off again, looking around with a dazed expression.**

Her mother smiled fondly at her father.

"**He does this on purpose," Stephanie's mother said as they sat in the car, seatbelts on and ready to go. They watched him appear at the front door, shrug into his jacket, tuck in his shirt, go to step out then pause.**

"**He looks like he's about to sneeze," Stephanie remarked.**

"**No," her mother responded, "he's just thinking."**

Tanith leaned forward and studied Stephanie's father.

"Uh, what are you doing?" he asked, slightly alarmed.

"Just trying to picture your expression."

**She stuck her head out the window. "Desmond, what's wrong now?"**

**He looked up, puzzled. "I think I'm forgetting something." Stephanie leaned forward in the back seat, took a look at him and spoke to her mother, who nodded and stuck her head out again. **

"**Where are your shoes, dear?"**

Ghastly chuckled.

**He looked down at his socks – one brown, one navy - and his clouded expression cleared. He gave them a thumbs-up and disappeared from view. "That man," her mother said shaking her head. "Did you know he once lost a shopping centre?"**

"What?!" chorused the visitors. They looked like they were trying to figure out if it was a joke or not, well at least Ghastly and Tanith did. Stephanie could never tell with Skulduggery.

"**He what?" **

"**I never told you that? It was the first big contract he got. His company did a wonderful job and he was driving his clients to see it, and he forgot where he put it. He drove around for almost an hour until he saw something he recognised. He may be a very talented engineer, but I swear, he's got the attention span of a goldfish. So unlike Gordon." **

Skulduggery nodded.

"**They weren't very alike, were they?" Her mother smiled.**

"**It wasn't always that way. They used to do everything together. The three of them were inseparable." **

"**What, even Fergus?"**

"Is that so unbelievable?" Fergus demanded. He didn't get an answer.

"**Even Fergus. But when your grandmother died they all drifted apart. Gordon started mixing with a strange crowd after that." **

"Strange?" Skulduggery asked, his head tilted to the left. "In what way?"

"Every way," Beryl loudly whispered to Fergus.

"**Strange in what way?"**

Skulduggery gave a small chuckle and Ghastly frowned at their similarities; he liked Stephanie and didn't want her involved in a life of danger.

"**Ah, they probably just appeared strange to us," her mother said with a small laugh. "Your dad was getting started in the construction business and I was in college and we were what you might call normal. Gordon resisted being normal, and his friends, they kind of scared us. We never knew what they were into, but we knew it wasn't anything…" **

"Normal." Tanith stated bluntly.

"_**Normal.**_**"**

"Ghastly, stop copying me!" Tanith mock-shoved him and Stephanie laughed.

"**Exactly. They scared your dad most of all though."**

"**Why?" Stephanie's father walked out of the house, shoes on, and closed the front door after him.**

"**I think he was more like Gordon than he liked to let on,"**

Skulduggery looked at him then quickly turned his attention back to the book.

**her mother said quietly, and then her dad got into the car.**

"**OK." He said proudly. "I'm ready."**

Tanith gave him a round of applause and he smiled sheepishly.

**They looked at him as he nodded, chuffed with himself. He strapped on his seatbelt and turned the key. The engine purred to life. Stephanie waved to Jasper, an eight-year-old boy with unfortunate ears,**

"Do you_ like_ him?" Tanith asked.

Stephanie flushed red, "_No!_ Besides he's four years younger than me!"

"I'm over a hundred and I've dated guys sixty years younger than me…" Tanith said.

"What?!"

"She's exaggerating…forget about it." Skulduggery tried to convince them and they all settled down…all except Stephanie who was staring at them, wondering if Tanith was really that old and if so, how old were Skulduggery and Ghastly. Fergus was also not convinced and glared at the visitors.

**as her dad backed out on to the road, put the car in gear and they were off, narrowly missing their wheelie bin as they went. The drive to the solicitor's office in the city took a little under an hour and they arrived twenty minutes late. They were led up a flight of creaky stairs to a small office, too warm to be comfortable, with a large window that offered a wonderful view of the brick wall across the street. Fergus and Beryl were there, and they showed their displeasure at having been kept waiting by looking at their watches and scowling. **

"Of course we were upset; we were waiting for an age!"

**Stephanie's parents took the remaining chairs and Stephanie stood behind them as the solicitor peered at them through cracked spectacles. **

"**Now can we get started?" Beryl snapped. The solicitor, a short man named Mr Fedgewick, with the girth and appearance of a sweaty bowling ball, tried smiling. **

"Your descriptions are _so_ lovely. Can't wait for mine…that is if I'm in the book," Tanith said, sarcastically.

"**We still have one more person to wait on," he said and Fergus's eyes bulged.**

"**Who?" he demanded. "There can't be anyone else, we are the only siblings Gordon had. Who is it? It's not some charity, is it? I've never trusted charities. They always want something from you."**

Tanith coughed, "Hypocrite." And Stephanie smothered her laughter.

"**It's, it's not a charity," Mr Fedgewick said. "He did say, however, that he might be a little late." **

"**Who said?" Stephanie's father asked, and the solicitor looked down at the file open before him. **

"**A most unusual name, this," he said. "It seems we are waiting on one Mr Skulduggery Pleasant." **

Skulduggery straightened at the sound of his name.

"**Well who on earth is that?" asked Beryl, irritated. "He sounds like a, he sounds like a… Fergus, what does he sound like?"**

"**He sounds like a weirdo," Fergus said, glaring at Fedgewick. "He's not a weirdo, is he?"**

"No!" "Yes!"

Skulduggery whipped his head around to stare at Ghastly, who wore a grin. The corners of Stephanie' mouth twitched, threatening to form a grin similar to Ghastly's, but when Tanith snorted, she lost control and began to laugh hysterically.

"**I really couldn't say," Fedgewick answered, his paltry excuse for a smile failing miserably under the glares he was getting from Fergus and Beryl. "But I'm sure he'll be along soon." **

**Fergus frowned, narrowing his beady eyes as much as was possible.**

"His eyes are perfect!" Beryl protested.

"**How are you sure?" Fedgewick faltered, unable to offer a reason, and then the door opened and the man in the tan overcoat entered the room. **

"**Sorry I'm late," he said, closing the door behind him. "It was unavoidable I'm afraid." **

Ghastly leaned forward, past Tanith and began to whisper to Skulduggery. Stephanie strained her ears and heard only fragments of their conversation. What she did hear was confusing; She didn't have a clue who or what a 'serpine' and an 'elder' were.

**Everyone in the room stared at him, stared at the scarf and the gloves and the sunglasses and the wild fuzzy hair. It was a glorious day outside, certainly not the kind of weather to be wrapped up like this. Stephanie looked closer at the hair. From this distance, it didn't even seem real.**

Skulduggery covertly nodded towards Stephanie and Ghastly frowned and began mouthing the word '_No'_. Half of the people in the room were under the impression that he was doing an impersonation of a fish. Stephanie started to notice that whenever Skulduggery nodded to her, Ghastly got angry. She wondered what that was about…

**The solicitor cleared his throat.**

"**Um, you are Skulduggery Pleasant?"**

"**At your service," the man said. Stephanie could listen to that voice all day.**

"This book does nothing for the size of your ego," Ghastly groaned as Skulduggery radiated an aura of smugness.

**Her mother, uncertain as she was, had smiled her greetings, but her father was looking at him with an expression of wariness she had never seen on his face before. After a moment the expression left him and he nodded politely and looked back to Mr Fedgewick. Fergus and Beryl were still staring. **

"**Do you have something wrong with your face?" Beryl asked.**

"Yes actually, I have a severe skin condition, if you must know," Skulduggery said.

"It's not contagious, is it?" Beryl asked, recoiling.

He just chuckled.

**Fedgewick cleared his throat again. **

"**OK then, let's get down to business, now that we're all here. Excellent. Good. This, of course, being the last will and testament of Gordon Edgley, revised last almost one year ago. Gordon has been a client of mine for the past twenty years , and in that time, I got to know him well, so let me pass on to you, his family and, and friend, my deepest, deepest—"**

"**Yes, yes, yes," Fergus interrupted , waving his hand in the air. "Can we just skip this part? We're already running behind schedule. Let's go to the part where we get stuff. Who gets the house? And who gets the villa?"**

"**Who gets the fortune?" Beryl asked, leaning forward in her seat.**

"Your love for your brother astounds me," Tanith said dryly.

"**The royalties," Fergus said. "Who gets the royalties from the books?" Stephanie glanced at Skulduggery Pleasant from the corner of her eye. He was standing back against the wall, hands in his pockets, looking at the solicitor. Well, he seemed to be looking at the solicitor; with those sunglasses he could have been looking anywhere. She returned her gaze to Fedgewick as he picked up a page from his desk and read from it.**

"'**To my brother Fergus and his beautiful wife Beryl,'" he read, and Stephanie did her best to hide a grin, '"I leave my car, and my boat, and a gift.'" Fergus and Beryl blinked. **

"**His car?" Fergus said. "His boat? Why would he leave me his boat?"**

"**You hate the water," Beryl said, anger rising in her voice. "You get seasick."**

Ghastly and Tanith smiled.

"**I do get seasick," Fergus snapped, "and he knew that!" **

"**And we already have a car," Beryl said.**

"**And we already have a car!" Fergus repeated.**

The phrase _Birds of a feather flock together_ flitted through Stephanie's mind and she thought it was quite fitting seeing as they seemed to liken themselves to Parrots.

**Beryl was sitting so far up on her chair that she was almost on the desk.**

This earned a few chuckles.

"**This gift," she said, her voice low and threatening, "Is it the fortune?"** **Mr Fedgewick coughed nervously, and took a small box from his desk drawer and slid it towards them. They looked at this box. They looked some more. They both reached for it at the same time, and Stephanie watched them slap at each other's hands until Beryl snatched it off the desk and tore the lid open.**

"**What is it?" Fergus asked in a small voice. "Is it a key to a safety deposit box? Is it, is it an account number? Is it, what is it? Wife, what is it?" All colour had drained from Beryl's face and her hands were shaking. She blinked hard to keep the tears away, then she turned the box for everyone to see, and everyone saw the brooch, about the size of drinks coaster, nestled in the plush cushion. Fergus stared at it. **

"**It doesn't even have any jewels on it," Beryl said, her voice strangled. Fergus opened his mouth wide like a startled fish and turned to Fedgewick.**

Beryl started making alarming and strange noises as Fergus tried to calm her down. The noise startled Tanith and she and Ghastly searched for the source.

"**What else do we get?" he asked, panicking. Mr Fedgewick tried another smile. "Your, uh, your brother's love?" Stephanie heard a high-pitched whine, and it took her a moment to realise it was coming from Beryl. **

There was a moment of silence, then laughter. Tanith had tears streaming down her cheeks and was clutching her sides and Ghastly was bent over trying to recover from his fit of laughter but couldn't keep a straight face. Skulduggery let out a laugh and Stephanie sniggered. After a while, they settled down.

Stephanie's father looked at Beryl with wide eyes, "So _that_ was what that was!"

They all collapsed into laughter, with obvious exceptions, of course.

**Fedgewick returned his attention to the will, trying to ignore the horrified looks he was getting from Fergus and his wife.**

"'**To my good friend and guide Skulduggery Pleasant I leave the following advice. Your path is your own, and I have no wish to sway you, but sometimes the greatest enemy we can face is ourselves, and the greatest battle is against the darkness within. There is a storm coming, and sometimes the key to safe harbour is hidden from us, and sometimes it is right before our eyes.'" **

**Stephanie joined in with everyone else as they stared at Mr Pleasant. She had known there was something different about him, she had known it the first moment she saw him – there was something exotic, something mysterious, something dangerous.**

Ghastly put his face in his hands and mumbled something incoherent, though Stephanie gave an educated guess and figured it probably had something to do with Skulduggery's ego. From watching Skulduggery's reactions to her thoughts on him, she would have to agree with Ghastly on his ego.

**For his part, his head dipped lower and that was the only reaction he gave. He offered no explanations as to what Gordon's message had meant. Fergus patted his wife's knee.**

"**See, Beryl? A car, a boat, a brooch, it's not that bad. He could have given us some stupid advice." **

Skulduggery laughed; the advice was far from stupid, no it was a message, one he only had to figure out.

"**Oh, shut up, would you?" Beryl snarled and Fergus recoiled in his chair. Mr Fedgewick read on. **

"'**To my other brother, Desmond, the lucky one of the family, I leave to you your wife. I think you might like her.'" Stephanie saw her parents clasp each other's hands and smile sadly.**

As they did now.

"'**So now that you've successfully stolen my girlfriend, maybe you'd like to take her to my villa in France, which I am also leaving to you.'"**

"**They get the villa?" Beryl cried, jumping to her feet.**

"**Beryl," Fergus said, "please…"**

"**Do you know how much that villa is worth?" Beryl continued, looking like she might lunge at Stephanie's parents. "We get a brooch – they get a villa? There are only three of them! We've got Carol and Crystal! We have more! We could do with the extra space! Why do they deserve the villa?" She thrust the box towards them. "Swap!"**

Tanith started laughing, "You sounded like a five year old, 'Swap!'"

Beryl glowered at her.

"**Mrs Edgley, please retake your seat or we shall be unable to continue," Mr Fedgewick said, and eventually, after much bugeyed glaring, Beryl sat down.** **"Thank you," Fedgewick said, looking like he had had quite enough excitement for one day. He licked his lips, adjusted his glasses, and peered again at the will. "'If there is one regret that I have had in my life, it is that I have never fathered any children. There are times when I look at what Fergus and Beryl have produced and I consider myself fortunate,**

If looks could kill, (and if books could actually die…) the book would be dead and buried from the glares it was getting.

**but there are also times when it breaks my heart. And so, finally, to my niece Stephanie.'"**

Speaking of receiving glares…

**Stephanie's eyes widened. What? She was getting something? Leaving the villa to her parents wasn't enough for Gordon? Fedgewick continued reading. "'The world is bigger than you know and scarier than you might imagine. The only currency worth anything is being true to yourself, and the only goal worth seeking is finding out who you truly are.'"**

Tanith nodded.

**She could feel Fergus and Beryl glaring at her and she did her best to ignore them. "' Make your parents proud, and make them glad to have you living under their roof, because I leave to you my property and possessions, my assets and my royalties , to be inherited on the day you turn eighteen. **

"Whoa, you get all of that?" Tanith asked with wide eyes. Ghastly wore an expression of shock. Beryl, though, was down-right growling.

**I'd just like to take this opportunity to say that, in my own way, I love you all, even those I don't particularly like. That's you, Beryl.'"**

Stephanie smiled wryly at her uncle's sense of humour.

**Fedgewick took off his spectacles and looked up.** **Stephanie became aware that everyone was staring at her and she hadn't a clue what she was supposed to say. Fergus was again doing his startled fish impression and Beryl was pointing one long bony finger at her, trying to speak but failing.**

Tanith sniggered.

**Her parents were looking at her in stunned surprise. Only Skulduggery Pleasant moved, walking behind her and gently touching her arm.**

"**Congratulations," he said and moved on towards the door.**

"Just rub it in their faces, Skulduggery," Ghastly said amused.

**As soon as it clicked shut behind him, Beryl found her voice.**

"**HER?" she screamed. "HER?"**

"No, him…" Tanith said.

"It's about time for dinner now," Stephanie's mother said.

_**.**_

_**.**_

_**. .**_

_**WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!**_

_**Don't just scroll down! This is important!**_

_**See I've got a few ideas on who should come into the story next…but I can't decide…**_

_**That's why I'm going to let you guy's choose:**_

_**A) China Sorrows**_

_**B) Past Skulduggery (not sure here; I think it's a cool enough idea but I'm trying to figure how I'd bring him in…)**_

_**C)**__**Alice Edgley from the future.**_

_**D)**__**Skulduggery's family**__**.**_

_**E)**__** Valkyrie Cain (don't know which book to take her from)**_

_**F) Any suggestions? Just tell me! **_

_**Whichever one gets the most reviews, I'll bring in. Thanks to the Reviewers, Followers and Favouriter's; You guys are AWESOME!**_

_**~Einstein's Theory~**_


	4. Chapter 4

"_It's about time for dinner now," Stephanie's mother said._

Her mother stood and headed to the kitchen in search of food, her father following close behind.

"We better head home," said Fergus gesturing to himself and Beryl. "We have the twins to feed."

They made for the door. Tanith turned to Stephanie.

"So your uncle was Gordon Edgley?" Tanith asked and Stephanie nodded. "Wow, that must have been so _cool!_ I am a huge fan!"

"Really? If you want, you can see his study, I think he was working on a new book…"

"Yeah! Did you know that one of his books was based on something that happened to _me_?!_"_

"Tanith!" Ghastly said sharply, halting his whispered discussion with Skulduggery. Tanith turned to face him and she gave him a sheepish smile. Stephanie frowned; how could one of Gordon's stories be based on her? Gordon's stories were about Sorcerers, battles, mysteries and adventures. She shook her head.

Turning back Tanith said, "So, where's the study?"

"Up the stairs and to the right," Stephanie said getting up and stretching. Her stomach rumbled as she smelled food. Tanith headed up the stairs.

Stephanie began to go to the kitchen but stopped when she heard thumping and banging. Stephanie came face to face with a very red faced Fergus.

"We can't get out!" He kicked the door for emphasis.

"What about Carol and Crystal?" Whined Beryl.

"Yeah, what about Beryl and Crystal?" Fergus demanded.

"It wasn't locked before…" Stephanie tried to open the door and failed.

"Well it's locked now!" Beryl snapped. "Fergus, knock it down!"

Fergus stepped back and was about to run headlong into the door when there was a flash of white like before and on the door was a note. Beryl snatched the note and read it aloud.

_Dearest Beryl and Fergus,_

_You can't leave. I choose who comes in and out and Knocking down the door won't help. I am really, really, really sorry to keep from your beautiful daughters but there's no need worry. For the most part, time is frozen._

_~Valkyrie Cain_

_P.S. Congratulations; I hope you enjoy the car and the boat._

"Oh that's just lovely," Fergus said. "We can't leave and this _Valkyrie Cain_ mocked us, lovely."

All three of them went into the Kitchen to show Stephanie's parents the note.

* * *

"You can't seriously be considering this!"

Ghastly was in the middle of a very heated conversation with one Skulduggery Pleasant.

"She'd be a great detective, Ghastly."

"She's only twelve!"

"How old were _you_ when _you_ started using magic?"

"That's not the point!"

A voice drifted over.

"_Yeah! Did you know that one of his books was based on something that happened to me?!"_

"Tanith!" Ghastly said; at this rate Stephanie, in fact all of Edgley's were bound to figure their secret. She grinned at him and then left. _She's beautiful…_He ignored that train of thought and observed Stephanie; she was deep in thought and for a minute he panicked but then she shook her head and left as well. He sighed in relief.

"She'll figure it out eventually," Skulduggery said as Ghastly faced him again. "Want to know why?"

"Why?" Ghastly asked, exasperated.

"She has good detective instincts."

"Skuldu-"

"She reminds me of myself when I was younger…"

"Skuldugg-"

"But not as good looking or talented..."

"_Skulduggery,"_ Ghastly interrupted. "It's not a sensible idea."

"None of my ideas are. What do you have against her?"

"Not her, just the idea of her being involved with magic…"

"Why?"

"I-I- I have my reasons."

"_Fine_. If during the books she ends up becoming a detective then you can't change it. Don't want to mess up the time-line and all that."

"Fine" Ghastly sighed as Skulduggery laughed in victory.

A voice called "Dinner's ready!"

"How are you going to get out of this?"

* * *

Tanith sat engrossed in Gordon's novel; And the Darkness Rained Upon Them when she heard the call from downstairs. She raced down the stairs.

* * *

The table was set and dinner was served.

"Ah, dinner looks lovely," Skulduggery said. "But I had a very filling lunch…"

"Nonsense, We've been reading for hours. You must be hungry," Stephanie's mother insisted. Ghastly was smiling widely.

"I couldn't possibly-" Skulduggery started but her mother guided him to the table despite his protests.

"_Everyone_ eat up."

* * *

"How'd you clear your plate?" Ghastly asked. Ghastly barely finished his plate; every time he looked away, it seemed to get bigger.

"I dumped my food on Tanith's plate." He whispered as they all sat down to read.

"She finished right after you though?"

Skulduggery chuckled, "She dumped it on your plate."

There was a knock on the door.

"Who _now?!"_ Fergus spat.

* * *

_**Who is it? You tell me...**_

_**~Einstein's Theory**_


	5. Not a chapter

_**.**_

_**Sorry, this isn't a chapter. I just wanted to put this up and see what you guys thought of it. It's sort of stupid and has nothing to do with Skulduggery Pleasant, but I'd appreciate it if you told me what you think of it. This is a once off and won't happen again. Real chapter will be up tomorrow or the day after...**_

_**.**_

_**.**_

_**.**_

There was a place not far from here and a little west of there called the Village. The Village was in fact a large kingdom ruled by King Randall the third. King Randall had been on the throne for ninety-four years, outstripping the life expectancy of anyone living in the era and most believed that the King's mage was to blame. For ninety-four years the kingdom had suffered from famine and poverty but this would soon come to an end…

* * *

Colin Izri looked westward towards the mountainous castle. Castle Crane was an impermeable fort; sixty feet walls that are twenty inches thick and even if you got past the walls you would then have to navigate yourself through the maze that was the town. By then the soldiers would arrive and make your journey to the throne room all the more difficult. Colin Izri was charged with this task. He and a team of Rebel troops disguised as farmers selling their livestock would attempt to do the seemingly impossible.

.

Colin pulled his hood over his head and turned to the cart filled with vegetables. He scratched the donkey behind his ears and sat in the front of the cart. The rebels soon joined him and he took the reins in hand and urged the donkey forward.

At the Portcullis the guards let them pass complaining all the while about the increased security and joking, 'Who they expecting to come here, Rebels? Ha!' Colin nodded and laughed as they drove forward. The small team of five abandoned their cart in an alley between a tavern and a bakery. As they walked, Colin watched the townspeople. The people of Castle crane wore tattered rags and threadbare cloaks, but sometimes a carriage would pass ferrying nobles dressed in clothes of silk and satin in bright colours.

.

They hid behind a stall selling fruit. A few steps away was the gold-plated doors of the throne room. Two soldiers stood, ever vigilant. Colin rose, walked towards the two guards and took them out using his sword. The rebels rushed to him and the five pushed the doors open.

The five, with their swords in hand, stood baffled before the king. There sat a thirty year old man quite contrary to his ninety-four years. He had a wide grin that didn't befit the situation. The King rose from his throne and clapped.

"Well done!"

Soldiers rushed in from every direction and soon the team was battling incessantly. Colin moved forward and charged the King. The King deflected his blade with his own and ran. Colin tried to follow but found his way blocked by three soldiers. Quickly dealing with them, he ran forward into a circular room.

A chandelier hung from the ceiling and the floor was made of black marble. King Randall dragged his sword along the floor. The sound echoed throughout the room. Colin raised his sword to strike. The King blocked the move and swiped at Colin who jumped back and fell. Colin's sword skidded to the other side of the room and the King prepared to plunge his sword. Colin rolled but the King stabbed him.

.

There was a beeping noise and a flashing notice appeared on the screen; 'YOU LOSE'.

"Aw C'mon, I almost won that time!"

"James, dinner's ready." Called his mom.

"Coming!" James put down his X-box controller and ran to the dining table.

.

After dinner, James texted his friend Mark, asking how he got past level twenty-nine on 'The Village VII'. When he didn't get an answer, he picked up his controller and started all over again. Maybe he was supposed to go in a back entrance


	6. Chapter 5

'"_Who now?!" Fergus spat.'_

_._

Fergus stood and opened the door, muttering all-the while but as soon as he opened the door his eyes widened and he fell silent.

"China, I suppose you're here to read with us as well?" Skulduggery said. How he knew who was at the door without even looking was beyond Stephanie.

"Skulduggery, you're here too?" Asked the woman – China. She walked past Fergus, who was gaping like a fish; his mouth opening and closing. Then Stephanie saw her, she was the most beautiful woman Stephanie had ever seen. She had coal-black hair and blue eyes that left Stephanie wishing she could look at them forever.

"Don't do that," Said Skulduggery. "Stop it."

The woman laughed, "Oh, of course. I do forget sometimes…"

Skulduggery scoffed. Suddenly Stephanie's thoughts cleared and she looked around the room as her family awoke from their stupor. No longer under her _spell_, Fergus was openly scowling at China who sat beside Stephanie's mother and Stephanie herself.

Stephanie's dad tore his gaze from China and cleared his throat "Uh…Who's going to read next?"

"This chapter is set in the future…" said Ghastly

"I'll read," Said Stephanie.

**Little girl, all alone.**

**That afternoon Stephanie and her mother took the fifteen-minute drive from Haggard to Gordon's estate. Her mum opened the front door and stepped back.**

"**Owner of the house goes first," she said with a little smile and a bow, and Stephanie stepped inside.**

Beryl let out a noise similar to a cross between a deflating car-tyre and a trodden-on cat which caused Tanith to look at her in concern.

**She wasn't thinking of this house as her property – the idea was too big, too silly. **

"To a little girl like you maybe…" muttered Fergus under his breath.

**Even if her parents were, technically, the custodians until she turned eighteen, how could she own a house? How many other twelve-year-old kids owned houses? No, it was too silly an idea. Too far-fetched.** **Too crazy. Exactly the kind of thing that Gordon would have thought made perfect sense. **

Skulduggery nodded and China smiled faintly. _China must have been one of Gordon's friends…or at least she must have known him, _thought Stephanie.

**The house was big and quiet and empty as they walked through it. Everything seemed new to her now, and Stephanie found herself reacting differently to the furniture and carpets and paintings. Did she like it? Did she agree with this colour or that fabric? One thing that had to be said for Gordon, he had a good eye. Stephanie's mother said there was very little she would change if she had to. Some of the paintings were a little too unnerving for her taste maybe, but on the whole the furnishings were elegant and understated, exuding an air of distinction that befitted a house of this stature. They hadn't decided what they were going to do with the house. Any decision was left up to Stephanie, but her parents still had the villa to consider. Owning three houses between them seemed a bit much. Her father had suggested selling the villa but her mother hated the thought of letting go of a place so idyllic. **

Fergus and Beryl scowled as well at the mention of the villa.

**They had also talked about Stephanie's education, and she knew that conversation was far from over. The moment they had left Mr Fedgewick's office they warned her not to let all this go to her head. Recent events, they had said, should not mean she could stop studying, stop planning for college. She needed to be independent, they said, she needed to make it on her own. Stephanie had let them talk, and nodded occasionally and muttered an agreement where an agreement was appropriate. She didn't bother to explain that she needed college, she needed to find her own way in the world because she knew that if she didn't, she'd never escape Haggard.**

"Escape?" Asked Stephanie's mum and Stephanie only shrugged in response with an apologetic look.

**She wasn't about to throw her future away simply because she had come into some money. She and her mother spent so long looking around the ground floor that by the time they got to the bottom of the stairs, it was already five o'clock. With their exploring done for the day, they locked up and walked to the car. The first few drops of rain splattered against the windscreen as they got in. Stephanie clicked her seatbelt closed and her mother turned the key in the ignition. The car spluttered a bit, groaned a little and then shut up altogether.**

**Stephanie's mother looked at her. "Uh oh." They both got out and opened the bonnet. "Well," her mother said, looking at the engine, "at least that's still there."**

"**Do you know anything about engines?" Stephanie asked.**

"**That's why I have a husband , so I don't have to.** **Engines and shelves, that's why man was invented." **

"Interesting theory," Skulduggery said with an air if amusement.

**Stephanie made a mental note to learn about engines before she turned eighteen. She wasn't too fussed about the shelves.**

Her mother grinned at her.

**Her mum dug her mobile phone out of her bag and called Stephanie's dad, but he was busy on site and there was no way he could get to them before nightfall. They went back inside the house and her mother called a mechanic, and they spent three quarters of an hour waiting for him to arrive. The sky was grey and angry and the rain was falling hard by the time the truck appeared around the corner. It splashed through puddles on its way up the long drive, and Stephanie's mum pulled her jacket over her head and ran out to meet it. Stephanie could see a great big dog in the cab of the truck, looking on as the mechanic got out to examine their car. After a few minutes, her mother ran back inside, thoroughly drenched.**

"**He can't fix it here," she said, wringing out her jacket on the porch, "so he's going to tow it to the garage. It shouldn't take too long to fix." **

"**Will there be room for both of us in the truck?"**

"**You can sit on my knee." **

Stephanie looked up at her mother, "No!"

"**Mum!" **

"**Or I can sit on your knee, whatever works."**

Stephanie sighed in exasperation and her parents laughed.

"**Can I stay here?"**

**Her mother looked at her. "On your own?" **

"**Please? You just said it won't take long, and I'd like to have another look around, just on my own." **

"**I don't know, Steph…"**

"**Please? I've stayed on my own before. I won't break anything, I swear."**

**Her mother laughed. "OK fine. I shouldn't be any more than an hour, all right? An hour and a half at the most." Her mother gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. "Call me if you need anything."#**

Stephanie thought of the title of the chapter;_ Little girl, all alone_ and she started to think that maybe staying at Gordon's wasn't as good as an idea as it seemed.

**She ran back outside and jumped in the cab next to the dog, who proceeded to slobber all over her face. Stephanie watched their car being towed off into the distance and then it vanished from sight. She did a little more exploring, now that she was on her own. She climbed the stairs and went straight to Gordon's study. His publisher, Seamus T. Steepe of Arc Light Books, had phoned them earlier that day, passing on his condolences and enquiring about the state of Gordon's last book. **

"Yeah," said Tanith. "I'm _soo_ sorry about Gordon's passing, but what about his book? What about the book?!"

Stephanie sniggered and Ghastly shook his head, looking skyward.

**Her mother had told him that they'd find out if Gordon had completed it, and if he had, they'd send it on. Mr Steepe was very keen to get the book on the shelves, certain that it would crash on to the bestseller list and stay there for a long time. "Dead writers sell," he had said, like he approved of Gordon's clever marketing ploy.**

Tanith snorted.

**Stephanie opened the desk drawer and found the manuscript in a neat stack. She pulled it out carefully and laid it on the desktop, careful not to smudge the paper. The first page held the title, nothing more, in bold lettering: ****And The Darkness Rained Upon Them****.**

China looked vaguely interested, while Tanith sat straight up, telling them about the three chapters of the book that she had read before. Stephanie cut her off, as she wanted to read it for herself.

**The manuscript was thick and heavy, like all of Gordon's books. She'd read most of them, and the odd splash of pretension aside, had quite enjoyed his work. His stories tended to be about people who could do astonishing and wonderful things, and the strange and terrible events that invariably led up to their bizarre and horrible deaths. She noticed the way he would set up a strong and noble hero, and over the course of the book systematically subject this hero to brutal punishment in a bid to strip away all his arrogance and certainty so that by the end he was humbled and had learned a great lesson. And then Gordon killed him off, usually in the most undignified way possible.**

Stephanie paused to look at Skulduggery. His name was the title of the book…Would that make him _the hero_? What _brutal punishments_ would he have to endure? Stephanie didn't even want to even think about the _undignified_ death. She hoped with all of her heart that these books were nothing like Gordon's. Stephanie snapped out of her reverie and saw that everyone was looking at her.

"Read!" barked Beryl.

"_O-kay"_

**Stephanie could almost hear Gordon laughing with mischievous glee as she'd read.**

"Dear, they're not good books for you to be reading. Right, Des?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah…"

**She lifted the title page and carefully laid it face down on the desk beside the manuscript. She started reading. She didn't mean to spend long at it, but soon she was devouring every word, oblivious to the creaking old house and the rain outside. Her mobile phone rang, making her jump. She had been reading for two hours. She pressed the answer button and held it to her ear.**

"**Hi, sweetie," came her mother's voice, "everything OK?" **

"**Yes," Stephanie answered. "Just reading."**

"**You're not reading one of Gordon's books, are you? Steph, he writes about horrible monsters and scary stuff and bad people doing worse things. It'll give you nightmares." **

Stephanie's mum nodded in agreement with her own words. Something that Stephanie, along with China and Skulduggery found very amusing.

"**No, Mum, I'm… I'm reading the dictionary."**

"The dictionary?" said her mother, frowning. "Dear, if you're going to lie, please try to make it more convincing. That won't fool me."

**Even the brief silence from the other end of the phone was sceptical. "The dictionary?" her mother said. "Really?"**

Her mum gave her an _I-told-you-so_ look.

"**Yeah," Stephanie said. "Did you know that popple is a word?"**

"Popple?" said Fergus unconvinced.

"It is a word," all eyes focused on China. "It's a rolling or rippling of water."

"Right…"

"**You are stranger than your father, you know that?"**

"Me, Strange?" asked her dad. "Never!"

Stephanie hid her grin behind the book.

"**I suspected as much… So is the car fixed yet?"**

"**No, and that's why I'm calling. They can't get it going and the road up to you is flooded. I'm going to get a taxi up as far as it'll go and then I'll see if I can find some way around on foot. It's going to be another two hours at least."**

**Stephanie sensed an opportunity. Ever since she was a child she had much preferred her own company to the company of others, and it occurred to her that she had never spent a whole night without her parents nearby. A small taste of freedom and it almost tingled on her tongue.**

Stephanie wondered what it would be like to actually spend the night alone.

"**Mum, it's fine, you don't have to. I'm OK here."**

"**There's no way I'm leaving you in a strange house by yourself." **

"**It's not a strange house; it's Gordon's and it's fine. There's no point in you trying to get here tonight – it's lashing rain."**

"**Sweetie, it won't take me long."**

"**It'll take you ages. Where's it flooded?"**

**Her mother paused. "At the bridge." **

"**The bridge? And you want to walk from the bridge to here?" **

"**If I speed-walk—" **

"**Mum, don't be silly. Get Dad to pick you up." **

"**Sweetheart, are you sure?" **

"**I like it here, really. OK?"**

"**Well, OK," her mother said reluctantly. "I'll be over first thing in the morning to pick you up, all right? And I saw some food in the cupboards, so if you're hungry you can make yourself something."**

"**OK. I'll see you tomorrow then."**

"**Call us if you need anything or if you just want some company."**

"**I will. Night Mum."**

"**I love you."**

"Wait," said Stephanie's mother. "I'm just going to leave you?" She got no answer.

"**I know." Stephanie hung up and grinned. She slipped the phone back into her jacket and put her feet up on the desk, relaxing back into the chair, and went back to reading. When she looked up again she was surprised to find that it was almost midnight and the rain had stopped. If she were home right now, she'd be in bed. She blinked, her eyes sore, stood up from the desk and went downstairs to the kitchen. For all his wealth and success and extravagant tastes, she was thankful that when it came to food, Gordon was a pretty standard guy. The bread was stale and the fruit was a bit too ripe, but there were biscuits and there was cereal, and the milk in the fridge was still good for one more day. Stephanie made herself a snack and wandered to the living room, where she flicked on the TV. She sat on the couch and was just getting comfy when the house phone rang. She looked at it, resting there on the table at her elbow. Who would be calling? **

Skulduggery leaned forward, staring at the book.

"Don't answer it," said Stephanie's dad.

**Anyone who knew Gordon had died wouldn't be calling because they'd know he had died, and she didn't really want to be the one to tell anyone who didn't know. It could be her parents, but then why didn't they just call her mobile? Figuring that as the new owner of the house, it was her responsibility to answer her own phone, Stephanie picked it up and held it to her ear. "Hello?" **

"And you answered it…" sighed her father.

**Silence. "Hello?" Stephanie repeated.**

"**Who is this?" came a man's voice. **

"**I'm sorry," Stephanie said, "who do you want to speak to?"**

"**Who is this?" responded the voice, more irritably this time.**

They all tensed.

"**If you're looking for Gordon Edgley," Stephanie said, "I'm afraid that he's—" **

"**I know Edgley's dead," snapped the man. "Who are you? Your name?" **

"Don't tell him," said Skulduggery and Tanith nodded.

**Stephanie hesitated . "Why do you want to know?" she asked. **

"**What are you doing in that house? Why are you in his house?" **

"**If you want to call back tomorrow—"**

"**I don't want to, all right? Listen to me, girlie, if you mess up my master's plans, he will be very displeased and he is not a man you want to displease, you got that? Now tell me who you are!"**

"Master's plans?" said Skulduggery looking at Ghastly.

"Serpine is not behind _everything_, Skulduggery!"

"Who's Serpine?" Stephanie asked.

"Ghastly is right," said China, as Fergus leaned forward, unintentionally hanging on her every word. "You cannot blame Nefarian Serpine whenever something happens."

"Who's Serpine?" She asked again.

"He's-" began Skulduggery.

"Not important," interrupted Ghastly

**Stephanie realised her hands were shaking. She forced herself to calm down and quickly found anger replacing her nervousness.**

"**My name is none of your business ," she said. "If you want to talk to someone, call back tomorrow at a reasonable hour." **

"You tell him, Steph." Said her dad.

"**You don't talk to me like that," the man hissed. **

"**Goodnight," Stephanie said firmly.**

"**You do not talk to me like—" **

**But Stephanie was already putting the phone down.**

"Not very polite are you?" sneered Beryl and Stephanie gave her an incredulous look as Tanith shook her head at her.

**Suddenly the idea of spending the whole night here wasn't as appealing as it had first sounded. She considered calling her parents,**

"Please do," said Stephanie's mum worried, clutching her father's hand like a lifeline.

**then scolded herself for being so childish. No need to worry them, she thought to herself. No need to worry them about something so— Someone pounded on the front door. **

Stephanie's parents froze.

"**Open up!" came the man's voice between the pounding. Stephanie got to her feet, staring through to the hall beyond the living room. She could see a dark shape behind the frosted glass around the front door. **

Her mum whimpered as her dad wrapped his arms protectively around her.

"**Open the damn door!" Stephanie backed up to the fireplace, her heart pounding in her chest. He knew she was in here, there was no use pretending that she wasn't, but maybe if she stayed really quiet he'd give up and go away. She heard him cursing, and the pounding grew so heavy that the front door rattled under the blows.**

"**Leave me alone!" Stephanie shouted. **

"**Open the door!"**

By now even Beryl and Fergus grew worried. Skulduggery was unnaturally still, Ghastly was leaning forward with his eyes trained on the book, Tanith was biting her lip and China was wearing a composed mask to hide her worry…at least that's what Stephanie liked to think.

"**No!" she shouted back. She liked shouting – it disguised her fear. "I'm calling the police! I'm calling the police right now!" The pounding stopped immediately and Stephanie saw the shape move away from the door. Was that it? Had she scared him away? She thought of the back door – was it locked? Of course it was locked… It had to be locked. But she wasn't sure, she wasn't certain. She grabbed a poker from the fireplace and was reaching for the phone when she heard a knock on the window beside her.**

"Good, call the police," murmured her mum.

"Good, use the poker," nodded Skulduggery.

**She cried out and jumped back. The curtains were open, and outside the window was pitch-black. She couldn't see a thing. **

"**Are you alone in there?" came the voice. It was teasing now, playing with her. **

Stephanie's mum suddenly grabbed her and brought her into a bone-crushing hug, smothering her.

"Mum!"

"**Go away," she said loudly, holding up the poker so he could see it. **

**She heard the man laugh. "What are you going to do with that?" he asked. **

"Lots of clever little things," chuckled Skulduggery, which earned him four glares. Stephanie on the other hand, smiled.

"**I'll break your head open with it!" **

"That too," He said and Stephanie couldn't help it, perhaps it was her nerves, the tension in the room or just the plain weirdness of the whole situation, but she started laughing. She got some odd looks seeing as they _were_ reading about her possible future death.

**Stephanie screamed at him, fear and fury bubbling inside her. She heard him laugh again.**

"**I just want to come in," he said. "Open the door for me, girlie. Let me come in."**

"Girlie?" huffed Stephanie.

"Just read," said Tanith, her lips twitching. "_Girlie."_

"**The police are on their way," she said.**

"**You're a liar." Still she could see nothing beyond the glass and he could see everything. She moved to the phone, snatching it from its cradle. **

"**Don't do that," came the voice.**

"Do it!" shouted her dad.

"Uh…This hasn't happened yet." Said Fergus, without his usual condescending sneer.

"**I'm calling the police." **

"**The road's closed, girlie . You call them, I'll break down that door and kill you hours before they get here."**

Her mother choked on a sob as her father buried his face in her hair.

**Fear became terror and Stephanie froze. She was going to cry. She could feel it, the tears welling up inside her. She hadn't cried in years. **

Stephanie found herself fascinated; not many people had learned how they would die and had lived to tell the tale. _How morbid_ she thought as she continued.

"**What do you want?" she said to the darkness. "Why do you want to come in?"**

"**It's got nothing to do with me, girlie. I've just been sent to pick something up. Let me in. I'll look around, get what I came here for and leave. I won't harm a pretty little hair on your pretty little head, I promise. Now you just open that door right this second." **

"Don't believe him," said Skulduggery.

**Stephanie gripped the poker in both hands and shook her head. She was crying now, tears rolling down her cheeks. **

Her mother held Stephanie's hand. Honestly Stephanie thought they were over-reacting a bit; this hadn't even happened yet!

"**No," she said. She screamed as a fist smashed through the window, showering the carpet with glass.**

Stephanie's father's breath hitched and Beryl's hand flew to her mouth. Somewhere in the back of her mind, Stephanie wondered if Beryl was worried about the decreasing value of the house.

**She stumbled back as the man started climbing in, glaring at her with blazing eyes, unmindful of the glass that cut into him. The moment one foot touched the floor inside the house Stephanie was bolting out of the room, over to the front door, fumbling at the lock. Strong hands grabbed her from behind. She screamed again as she was lifted off her feet and carried back. She kicked out, slamming a heel into his shin . The man grunted and let go and Stephanie twisted, trying to swing the poker into his face but he caught it and pulled it from her grasp. One hand went to her throat and Stephanie gagged, unable to breathe as the man forced her back into the living room. He pushed her into an armchair and leaned over her and no matter how hard she tried she could not break his grip. **

Skulduggery and Ghastly began their confusing, silent argument. Skulduggery seemed to be winning, _again._

"**Now then," the man said, his mouth contorting into a sneer, "why don't you just give me the key, little girlie?" **

"What key, Steph?" asked her dad.

"How should I know?"

"Magic," he deadpanned.

**And that's when the front door was flung off its hinges and Skulduggery Pleasant burst into the house.**

Everyone turned to look at him. Ghastly sighed and China raised a delicate eyebrow.

**The man cursed and released Stephanie and swung the poker, but Skulduggery moved straight to him and hit him so hard Stephanie thought the man's head might come off. He hit the ground and tumbled backwards, but rolled to his feet as Skulduggery moved in again. The man launched himself forward. They both collided and went backwards over the couch and Skulduggery lost his hat.**

"Uh-oh," said Skulduggery, though he seemed to be exuding an air of triumph.

"Stop that," said Ghastly.

"Stop what?" Skulduggery said innocently.

"You- I- well- Ugh, just stop it!"

**Stephanie saw a flash of white above the scarf. They got to their feet, grappling, and the man swung a punch that knocked Skulduggery's sunglasses to the other side of the room. **

Ghastly groaned, "You're kidding me, right?" and Skulduggery sniggered along with Tanith.

**Skulduggery responded by moving in low, grabbing the man around the waist and twisting his hip into him. The man was flipped to the floor, hard. He cursed a little more, then remembered Stephanie and made for her. Stephanie leaped out of the chair, but before he could reach her, Skulduggery was there, kicking the man's legs out from under him. The man hit a small coffee table with his chin and howled in pain.**

"**You think you can stop me?" he screamed as he tried to stand. His knees seemed shaky. "Do you know who I am?"**

"**Haven't the foggiest," Skulduggery said.**

They all stared at him and started laughing which relieved the tension in the room, but Beryl and Fergus immediately sobered up as the remember whose company they were in.

**The man spat blood and grinned defiantly. **

"**Well, I know about you," he said. "My master told me all about you, detective , and you're going to have to do a lot more than that to stop me."**

"You're a detective?" asked Stephanie, looking up from the book and he nodded. Being a detective actually seemed like a worth-while job. Ghastly, as if reading her mind, frowned at Skulduggery for reasons that she couldn't fathom.

**Skulduggery shrugged and Stephanie watched in amazement as a ball of fire flared up in his hand-**

"Excuse me?" said her father, positively alarmed. Fergus glared at Skulduggery. Her mum and Beryl were shell-shocked.

"How do you do it?" Stephanie asked.

"Well, some people are just born with the ability to do it," Skulduggery. "It being magic."

"Can I do it?" asked Stephanie eagerly.

"I could teach you some, that is if you're able to do it…" said Tanith.

"I think Gordon had some books on magic in his library," China said.

"Gordon knew about all this?" She asked and China nodded.

Beryl was whispering one word over and over again, '_weirdo's'_, and didn't seem to be able to stop.

"You broke Beryl," said her dad. He seemed to still be processing the fact that magic existed.

**and he hurled it and the man was suddenly covered in flame. But instead of screaming, the man tilted his head back and roared with laughter. The fire may have engulfed him, but it wasn't burning him.**

Stephanie's eyes were as wide as saucers.

"**More!" he laughed. "Give me more!"**

"**If you insist." And then Skulduggery took an old-fashioned revolver from his jacket and fired, the gun bucking slightly with the recoil. The bullet hit the man in the shoulder and he screamed, **

"Guns," said Tanith. "For when magic just isn't good enough!"

Beryl was still whispering.

**then tried to run and tripped. He scrambled for the doorway, ducking and dodging lest he get shot again, the flames obstructing his vision so much that he hit a wall on his way out.** **And then he was gone. Stephanie stared at the door, trying to make sense of the impossible. **

"You seemed to grasp it a lot quicker this time…" said China and Stephanie shrugged her shoulders.

"**Well," Skulduggery said, "that's something you don't see every day." **

Stephanie smiled, her mind whirring. Beryl was whispering franticly and taking in quick gasps of air.

**She turned. When his hat came off, his hair had come off too.**

"Hair?" asked her mother, looking at Skulduggery's 'hair'.

**In the confusion all she had seen was a chalk-white scalp, so she turned expecting to see a bald albino maybe.**

Skulduggery shook his head and laughed, Tanith grinned in anticipation, Ghastly was trying to hold in a laugh and China wore a faint smile and her eyes glittered with amusement. One thing they all had in common was the fact that they were staring at Stephanie, waiting for some sort of reaction.

**But no. With his sunglasses gone and his scarf hanging down, there was no denying the fact that he had no flesh, he had no skin, he had no eyes and he had no face. **

This sentence earned Skulduggery some odd looks, which he ignored as he took off his hat and began to tug at his scarf.

Stephanie read the next sentence, re-read it and when she was sure that her mind wasn't playing tricks on her, she read it aloud.

**All he had was a skull for a head.**

Beryl's whispering had stopped. Stephanie looked up and the Beryl was slumped on the couch, she fainted and Fergus was at her side calling her name. Stephanie then looked to her who were speechless. Stephanie then looked to Skulduggery to see if what she read was true and saw…

.

.

_**I'm just going to leave it there…Oh yeah, believe it!**_

_**I'll have the next chapter as soon as possible and I think I'll have Valkyrie come in next... but as always, I'm open to any suggestions.**_

_**Till the next chapter,**_

_**~Einstein'sTheory.**_


	7. Chapter 6

'_Stephanie then looked to Skulduggery to see if what she read was true and saw…'_

A skeleton. Stephanie looked up and saw a _skeleton_! She knew that she had just read it aloud but seeing it – _him – _confirmed it. Skulduggery then gingerly placed his hat back on his head though it did nothing to hide his skull – _face. _Needless to say, Stephanie was _very_ confused.

Ghastly cleared his throat "I suppose we should wait until Beryl comes 'round…"

Stephanie's parents sat with Fergus, attempting to wake Beryl. Stephanie's father seemed to be turning his back towards Skulduggery, as if shielding her mother. Stephanie stayed where she was, not knowing whether to join her family or not. Instead she faced Skulduggery.

"Why don't you fall apart?" Stephanie asked.

"Excuse me?"

"I mean, I've got ligaments and all that holding me together…So why don't you fall apart?"

"Magic," He stated simply.

"Cool…," Said Stephanie. There was an awkward silence. She noticed that her family was avoiding looking at Skulduggery, in fact they weren't looking at any of the visitors. "Can you tell me more about magic?"

The four of them pounced on the chance to break the silence and spoke at once.

"Well, there are two types of sorcerers, or mages-"

"There are Adepts and Elementals-"

"Adepts are-"

"And Elementals can-"

"So, that's about it!" finished Skulduggery and Stephanie burst out laughing.

"Slower please," She gasped. As China opened her mouth to explain Stephanie heard a shriek. Beryl had woken up. Beryl had curled herself up in a ball and was gaping at Skulduggery.

"He- He- He…WHAT?" she stammered. Fergus patted her shoulder comfortingly. For someone who was new to the whole magic thing, Fergus seemed to be taking it quite well.

"Ma'am, it would probably be for the best if you just ignore the fact that I'm a living skeleton."

"I- _Ignore!?_" Beryl said, disbelief colouring her voice. Skulduggery nodded at her, like it was as easy as that and she made a noise of indignation.

"He's right, you know…" said Tanith shrugging a shoulder. "We're never going to finish these books if you keep on staring."

"I'll read," said China and she gently took the book from Stephanie, as if it was a precious jewel.

**The secret war.**

"What war?" asked Stephanie.

"If we just _read_ then we'll find out!" A small vein was throbbing near Fergus's left temple.

Ghastly and Skulduggery looked at each other and Ghastly grimaced.

**Skulduggery put his gun away and walked out to the hall. He peered out into the night. Satisfied that there were no human fireballs lurking anywhere nearby, he came back inside and picked the door off the ground, grunting with the effort. He manoeuvred it back to where it belonged, leaving it leaning in the doorway, then he shrugged and came back into the living room, where Stephanie was still standing and staring at him. **

"It's rude to stare!" barked Beryl.

Stephanie doubled over with laughter; a few minutes ago, _Beryl_ was staring at Skulduggery. That in itself was the definition of hypocrisy. Others soon joined her in her mirth.

China was the first to recover and was tapping her foot impatiently, waiting for the others to control themselves.

"**Sorry about the door," he said. **

**Stephanie stared. **

Tanith and Stephanie sniggered.

"**I'll pay to get it fixed." **

**Stephanie stared.**

Ghastly and China were grinning at the book.

"**It's still a good door, you know. Sturdy." **

**When he realised that Stephanie was in no condition to do anything but stare,**

Tanith let out a snort and the occupants of the room collapsed into laughter again, with the few obvious exceptions…

**He shrugged again and took off his coat, folded it neatly and draped it over the back of a chair. He went to the broken window and started picking up the shards of glass. Now that he didn't have his coat on, Stephanie could truly appreciate how thin he really was. His suit, well-tailored though it was, hung off him, giving it a shapeless quality. She watched him collect the broken glass, and saw a flash of bone between his shirtsleeve and glove. He stood, looking back at her. **

"**Where should I put all this glass?"**

"**I don't know," Stephanie said in a quiet voice. "You're a skeleton."**

Tanith wore a grin that rivalled the Cheshire cat himself.

Skulduggery chuckled quietly, "How very astute of you."

"**I am indeed," he said. "Gordon used to keep a wheelie bin out at the back door. Shall I put it in that?"**

Stephanie _stared _at the book. He was being so calm, as if someone finding out about him being a skeleton was a normal and common occurrence.

**Stephanie nodded. "Yes OK," she said simply and watched Skulduggery carry the armful of glass shards out of the room.**

**All her life she had longed for something else, for something to take her out of the humdrum world she knew – and now that it looked like it might actually happen, she didn't have one clue what to do. Questions were tripping over themselves in her head, each one vying to be the one that was asked first. So many of them. **

Stephanie _knew_, she didn't know how but she knew that whichever question came out would be the most _pointless._

**Skulduggery came back in and she asked the first question. **

"**Did you find it all right?"**

"That's what you'd ask?" asked Stephanie's mum with a smile.

Slightly embarrassed Stephanie nodded her head, not looking at anyone, "Apparently…"

"Just like your father," muttered her mum.

"**I did, yes. It was where he always kept it." **

"**OK then." If questions were people she felt that they'd all be staring at her now in disbelief.**

"Frankly, I agree with the questions," said Tanith smirking at Stephanie.

**She struggled to form coherent thoughts. **

"**Did you tell him your name?" Skulduggery was asking. **

"**What?"**

"**Your name. Did you tell him?" **

"**Uh, no…"**

"**Good. You know something's true name, you have power over it. But even a given name, even Stephanie, that would have been enough to do it."**

"To do what?" asked her dad and just as Skulduggery was about to answer China interrupted him by reading.

"**To do what?"**

Her father smiled sheepishly at her.

"**To give him some influence over you, to get you to do what he asked. If he had your name and he knew what to do with it, sometimes that's all it takes. That's a scary thought now, isn't it?" **

"Yes," said her mum, eyeing the visitors warily. "It is…"

"None of us will use your names against you," Ghastly promised, his expression solemn and the others nodded.

"**What's going on?" Stephanie asked. "Who was he? What did he want? Just who are you?"**

"I think the questions exploded…" Tanith said, a smile tugging at her lips.

"**I'm me," **

Stephanie snorted.

**Skulduggery said, picking up his hat and wig and placing them on a nearby table. "As for him, I don't know who he is, never seen him before in my life."**

"**You shot him."**

"Apparently…"

"**That's right."**

"**And you threw fire at him." **

"So it would seem…"

"Shh!"

"**Yes, I did." **

**Stephanie's legs felt weak and her head felt light. "Mr Pleasant, you're a skeleton."**

"_No…_It's all an _illusion…_" Said Tanith with a mystical voice while waving her hands in a manner that suited her tone.

"**Ah, yes, back to the crux of the matter. Yes. I am, as you say, a skeleton. I have been one for a few years now." **

"**Am I going mad?" **

Skulduggery studied her and held up five gloved fingers.

"How many fingers am I holding up?"

Stephanie's jaw dropped. 'He_ can't be serious, can he?'_ She thought.

"Well…?"

China and Tanith were laughing at her, Ghastly was smirking and her parents looked amused at the very least. Beryl and Fergus wore identical masks of indifference.

"Uhh…Five?"

"Wrong!" Skulduggery exclaimed and held out his thumb. "A thumb doesn't count!"

"Um, alright…"

He suddenly turned serious, "You should probably see a doctor."

"**I hope not."**

"**So you're real? You actually exist?"**

"**Presumably."**

"_Presumably?!" _asked Beryl frowning and Skulduggery nodded.

"**You mean you're not sure if you exist or not?"**

"**I'm fairly certain . I mean, I could be wrong. I could be some ghastly hallucination, a figment of my imagination."**

Stephanie had never thought that she'd meet anyone stranger than her father. Apparently she was very wrong…

"**You might be a figment of your own imagination?" **

"**Stranger things have happened. And do, with alarming regularity."**

This caught Stephanie's attention, "Like what?"

"There was this one time with a hag, a polar bear and a curtain…"

"**This is too weird." **

"Too, too weird…" said Stephanie's dad.

**Skulduggery put his gloved hands in his pockets and cocked his head. He had no eyeballs so it was hard to tell if he was looking at her or not. "You know, I met your uncle under similar circumstances.**

"Really?" asked her father. "Why didn't he mention it, then?"

**Well, kind of similar. But he was drunk. And we were in a bar. And he had vomited on my shoes. **

"I guess I can see why," her dad said, chuckling.

"How on earth are _those_ similar circumstances?" asked Fergus, looking incredulous.

"I suppose it was a meeting…"

**So I suppose the actual circumstances aren't overly similar, but both events include a meeting, so… My point is, he was having some trouble and I was there to lend a hand,**

"What kind of trouble?" asked her mum.

"Co-ordination problems…"

**and we became good friends after that. Good, good friends." His head tilted. "You look like you might faint." **

**Stephanie nodded slowly. "I've never fainted before, but I think you might be right." **

"**Do you want me to catch you if you fall, or…?"**

"Or what, Skulduggery?" asked Tanith smirking.

"**If you wouldn't mind."**

"**No problem at all." **

"**Thank you." Stephanie gave him a weak smile and then darkness clouded her vision and she felt herself falling and the last thing she saw was Skulduggery Pleasant darting across the room towards her. **

**Stephanie awoke on the couch with a blanket over her. The room was dark, lit only by two lamps in opposite corners. She looked over at the broken window, saw that it was now boarded up. She heard a hammering from the hall, and when she felt strong enough to stand, she slowly rose and walked out of the living room. Skulduggery Pleasant was trying to hang the door back on its hinges. He had his shirtsleeve rolled up on his left forearm. Ulna, Stephanie corrected herself, proving that her first year of Biology class had not gone to waste.**

Stephanie's parents smiled proudly at her.

"My daughter, future Einstein!" her dad said.

**Or was it radius? Or both?**

"Or not…" Tanith collapsed in giggles as Stephanie blushed.

**She heard him mutter, then he noticed her and nodded brightly. **

"**Ah, you're up."**

"**You fixed the window." **

"You're welcome," he said.

"I didn't say 'thank you' though," said Stephanie.

"My point exactly," he said and she heard a smirk in his voice.

"**Well, covered it up. Gordon had a few pieces of timber out back, so I did what I could. Not having the same luck with the door though. I find it much easier to blast them off then put them back. How are you feeling?" **

"Alarmed, scared and generally freaked-out for a start," said her father ticking them off on his fingers.

"Not you, Desmond!" sneered Beryl. "It's in the book!"

"Oh, right…"

"**I'm OK," Stephanie said.**

"**A cup of hot tea, that's what you need. Lots of sugar." He abandoned the door and guided her to the kitchen. She sat at the table while he boiled the water. **

"**Hungry?" he asked when it had boiled, but she shook her head. "Milk?" She nodded. He added milk and spoonful's of sugar , gave the tea a quick stir and put the cup on the table in front of her. She took a sip – it was hot, but nice.**

"**Thank you," **

"There," Stephanie said. "I said 'thank you'!"

"Finally," Skulduggery replied.

"Hmph!"

**Stephanie said, and he gave a little shrug. It was hard discerning some of his gestures without a face to go by, but she took the shrug to mean "think nothing of it". **

"**Was that magic? With the fire, and blasting the door?" **

"**Yes, it was." **

**She peered closer. "How can you talk?" **

"**Sorry?"**

"**How can you talk? You move your mouth when you speak, but you've got no tongue, you've got no lips, you've got no vocal cords. I mean, I know what skeletons look like, I've seen diagrams and models and stuff, and the only things that hold them together are flesh and skin and ligaments, so why don't you just fall apart?"**

"You don't change much, do you?" said China.

"Well this would have only happened tonight…" reasoned Ghastly.

**He gave another shrug, both shoulders this time. "Well, that's magic too." She looked at him. **

"**Magic's pretty handy."**

"I suppose it is…" said Skulduggery.

"**Yes, magic is."**

"**And what about, you know, nerve endings? Can you feel pain?" **

"**I can, but that's not a bad thing. Pain lets you know when you're alive, after all." **

"Are you?" asked Stephanie's dad.

"Alive?" Skulduggery said. "I guess not, but I can still walk around…"

"**And are you alive?" **

"**Well, technically, no, but…" **

**She peered into his empty eye sockets. "Do you have a brain?" **

There was an outburst of noise and it too Stephanie a moment to realise that it came from Ghastly. He was clutching his side, his face red from laughing.

"Do you- Ha- Do- Do you- Ha- Have a B-Brain?" he wheezed.

"_No"_

The room dissolved into giggles and laughter.

"I may not have a brain-" began Skulduggery.

"You don't!" interrupted Tanith.

Skulduggery scowled at her, "As I was saying, I _don't_ have a brain, but I at-least have more intelligence and maturity than _some people_ in this room…"

Tanith glared.

**He laughed. "I don't have a brain, I don't have any organs, but I have a consciousness." He started clearing away the sugar and the milk. "To be honest with you, it's not even my head." **

"Excuse me?" asked Fergus.

"I said, and listen carefully this time as I'm not going to repeat myself," China stated. "_It's not even my head."_

Fergus stared at her for a few minutes, obviously 'under her _spell_' before answering.

"Well – yeah, but – I know…how?"

Neither China or Skulduggery explained but China carried on reading.

"**What?"**

"**It's not. They ran away with my skull. I won this one in a poker game."**

"You lost your head?!" exclaimed Tanith, incredulous and Stephanie snorted at the double meaning in her words.

"I did not _lose_ it!" Skulduggery sounded insulted.

"Um, if you had no head…How'd you win at poker?" Stephanie asked.

"Magic."

"Of course, how silly of me…"

"**That's not even yours? How does it feel?" **

Skulduggery brought his hand to his head and poked it, as if contemplating her question.

"It's Ok, I guess."

"**It'll do. It'll do until I finally get around to getting my own head back. You look faintly disgusted." **

"**I just… Doesn't it feel weird? It'd be like wearing someone else's socks." **

"**You get used to it." **

"**What happened to you?" she asked. "Were you born like this?" **

"**No, I was born perfectly normal. Skin, organs, the whole shebang. Even had a face that wasn't too bad to look at, if I do say so myself."**

"No…not _too_ bad," Ghastly said. "Next to the local hag!"

Tanith and Stephanie laughed as Skulduggery put his hand to where his heart should've been.

"You wound me, Ghastly Bespoke!"

A faint smile graced China's lips as she continued.

"**So what happened?" Skulduggery leaned against the worktop, arms folded across his chest. "I got into magic. Back then – back when I was, for want of a better term, alive – there were some pretty nasty people around.**

The room was filled with tension.

"Nasty doesn't even begin to describe _them_," Ghastly spat.

**The world was seeing a darkness it might never have recovered from. It was war, you see. A secret war, but war nonetheless.**

"How would people not notice a war?" her mum asked, frowning.

"We have people who take care of that," said Tanith but didn't elaborate any further.

**There was a sorcerer, Mevolent, worse than any of the others, and he had himself an army, and those of us who refused to fall in behind him found ourselves standing up against him.**

"**And we were winning. Eventually, after years of fighting this little war of ours, we were actually winning.**

"How long were you fighting for?" asked Stephanie.

"Couple of decades…" Skulduggery said, looking down at his joined hands.

**His support was crumbling, his influence was fading, and he was staring defeat in the face. So he ordered one last, desperate strike against all the leaders on our side." Stephanie stared at him, lost in his voice. **

Despite the sombre atmosphere, Ghastly groaned.

"I'm amazing, aren't I?" Skulduggery said.

Stephanie could just imagine a transparent bubble around his head; growing larger and larger to match his ever increasing ego.

"**I went up against his right-hand man who had laid out a wickedly exquisite trap. I didn't suspect a thing until it was too late. **

Stephanie's mother covered her mouth with her hand and looked at Skulduggery with emotions that Stephanie couldn't identify.

"**So I died. He killed me. The twenty-third of October it was, when my heart stopped beating. Once I was dead, they stuck my body up on a pike and burned it for all to see. They used me as a warning – they used the bodies of all the leaders they had killed as warnings – and, to my utter horror, it worked." **

"Why," simpered Beryl. "Are you telling such an innocent and young child horror stories?"

"I'm not a 'young child' and I've read Gordon's novels before!"

"Wait," Tanith glared. "Horror _stories? _ It's our history!"

"How do we know that any of this is _actually_ real!?"

"Oh, would you just-"

"Both of you!" snapped her mum. "She's my daughter and I'm fine with her hearing about their _history!"_

Beryl looked ready to explode so China wisely chose to read again.

"**What do you mean?"**

"**The tide turned. Our side starting losing ground. Mevolent got stronger. It was more than I could stand, so I came back." **

"**You just… came back?" **

"**It's… complicated. When I died, I never moved on. Something was holding me here, making me watch. I've never heard of it happening before that and I haven't heard of it happening since , but it happened to me. **

**So when it got too much, I woke up, a bag of bones. Literally. They had gathered up my bones and put them in a bag and thrown the bag into a river. So that was a marvellous new experience right there." **

"Marvellous?" asked Stephanie with a half-smile.

"Yes, have you ever been thrown into a bag and then into a river?"

"No, can't say that I have…"

"You should really try it!"

"**Then what happened?" **

"**I put myself back together, which was rather painful, then climbed out of the river and rejoined the fight , and in the end, we won. We finally won. So, with Mevolent defeated, I quit that whole scene and struck out on my own for the first time in a few hundred years."**

"How old are you?" asked Stephanie.

"Haven't you heard that it's rude to ask a lady her age?" Beryl admonished her.

"Yeah…but he's not a lady…" She said awkwardly.

"I'm over four hundred years old and congratulations on pointing out the obvious." Skulduggery said.

Tanith smirked, "You can't really tell if you're male or not…I mean there's no difference, except your voice…"

**Stephanie blinked. **

"**Few hundred?" **

"**It was a long war." **

"**That man, he called you detective." **

Skulduggery straightened.

"**He obviously knows me by reputation," Skulduggery said, standing a little straighter. "I solve mysteries now." **

"**Really?"**

"**Quite good at it too." **

"**So, what, you're tracking down your head?" **

"You know, I think I'm starting to miss my head now…"

"Only now?" asked her dad.

**Skulduggery looked at her. If he'd had eyelids, he might well be blinking . "It'd be nice to have it back, sure, but…" **

"**So you don't need it, like, so you can rest in peace?" **

Ghastly snorted.

"**No. No, not really."**

"**Why did they take it? Was that another warning?" **

"**Oh, no," Skulduggery said with a little laugh. "No, they didn't take it. I was sleeping, about ten or fifteen years ago, and these little goblin things ran up and nicked it right off my spinal column. Didn't notice it was gone till the next morning." **

"You didn't notice at all?" asked her father, sceptical.

"Nope!"

**Stephanie frowned. "And you didn't feel that?" **

"**Well, like I said, I was asleep. Meditating, I suppose you'd call it. I can't see, hear or feel anything when I'm meditating. Have you tried it?" **

"**No."**

"**It's very relaxing. I think you'd like it."**

"**I'm sorry, I'm still stuck on you losing your head."**

"We've been over this Stephanie!" Skulduggery complained. "I didn't lose it!"

"**I didn't lose it," he said defensively. "It was stolen." **

Stephanie smirked, "_Skulduggery,_ we've been over this!"

**Stephanie was feeling stronger now. She couldn't believe that she'd fainted. Fainted. It was such an old woman thing to do. She glanced up at Skulduggery. **

"**You've had a very unusual life,** **haven't you?" **

"So far, yes."

"**I suppose I have. Not over yet though. Well, technically it is, but…" **

"**Isn't there anything you miss?" **

"**About what?" **

"**About living."**

Skulduggery seemed to be in deep thought, about what, Stephanie didn't know.

"**Compared to how long I've been like this, I was only technically alive for a blink of an eye. I can't really remember enough about having a beating heart in my chest to miss it." **

"**So there's nothing you miss?"**

"**I… I suppose I miss hair. **

"Not food, sleep or skin?" asked her mum.

"Hair. Definitely hair," he nodded.

**I miss how it… was. And how it was there, on top of my head. I suppose I miss my hair." He took out his pocket watch and his head jerked back. "Wow, look at the time. I've got to go, Stephanie." **

"Leave?" her father looked alarmed.

"Skulduggery," Ghastly frowned. "They're going to come back…"

"So I should stay with her?" If Skulduggery had eyebrows, Stephanie was sure that he'd be raising them.

"**Go? Go where?" **

"**Things to do, I'm afraid. Number one is finding out why that nice gentleman was sent here, and number two is finding out who sent him." **

"See, I've got a job to do!"

"Take her with you then," said, shockingly Fergus. "What!? She'll be safe with him!"

"**You can't leave me alone," she said, following him into the living room. **

"**Yes," he corrected, "I can. You'll be perfectly safe." **

Stephanie gave him a look, "You're kidding right?"

"**The front door's off!"**

"**Well, yes. You'll be perfectly safe as long as they don't come through the front door." **

Stephanie's jaw dropped.

**He pulled on his coat but she snatched his hat away. "Are you taking my hat hostage?" he asked doubtfully.**

Tanith smirked; she knew what Stephanie was about to do and she decided that she really liked her.

"**You're either staying here to make sure no one else attacks me or you're taking me with you." **

**Skulduggery froze. "That," he said eventually, "wouldn't be too safe for you." **

Her mum bit her lip in worry, he's probably right…

"**Neither would being left here on my own."**

"**But you can hide," he said , gesturing around the room. "There's so many places to hide. I'm sure there are plenty of good solid wardrobes your size. Even under a bed. You'd be surprised how many people don't check under beds these days." **

"You only say that because of that case in Athenry!" exclaimed Ghastly.

"Don't know what you're talking about." Skulduggery folded his arms.

"He was looking for an escaped convict, three guesses where he was." Ghastly grinned.

Stephanie laughed as Skulduggery turned away from Ghastly, ignoring him.

"**Mr Pleasant—" **

"**Skulduggery, please." **

"**Skulduggery, you saved my life tonight. Are you going to undo all that effort by leaving me here so someone else can come along and just kill me?" **

"**That's a very defeatist attitude you've got there. I once knew a fellow, a little older than you. He wanted to join me in my adventures, wanted to solve mysteries that beggared belief. He kept asking, kept on at me about it. He finally proved himself, after a long time, and we became partners." **

Stephanie's eyes lit up, "That sounds great!"

Ghastly frowned and Skulduggery held his head high in victory. Once again, Stephanie had no clue what was going on between them.

"**And did you go on to have lots of exciting adventures?" **

Stephanie was fascinated and she leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees.

"**I did. He didn't . He died on our very first case together. Horrible death. Messy too. Lots of flailing around."**

Beryl rushed to the bathroom and Stephanie's mother looked ready to join her.

"**Well, I don't plan on dying any time soon and I've got something he didn't."**

Ghastly raised an eyebrow.

"A talent for annoying me?" Skulduggery asked.

"No…" Stephanie smiled as she realised why she took his hat.

"**And that is…?" **

"**Your hat. Take me with you or I'll stand on it." **

"That's not going to work!" stated Fergus.

Stephanie could just tell that Skulduggery was glaring at her, "That's low…"

**Skulduggery looked at her with his big hollow eye sockets, then held out his hand for his hat. "Don't say I didn't warn you."**

Her mum chewed on her lip.

"You can't be serious!" Fergus exclaimed.

China gingerly held out the book, "Who will read next?"

_**Hi,**_

_**Thanks to all of the reviewers, favouriters and followers. You guys are the reason that I keep writing. This chapter's been a long time coming and for that I am sorry. As always, I'm open to any ideas and criticism.**_

_**Einstein's theory**_


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